When a casting director tried to date me, rather than cast me — OnStage Blog

May 24, 2023

TW: This story contains descriptions of sexual misconduct.

The author of this piece has chosen to remain anonymous however will refer to herself as "Mary."

I’m standing outside a restaurant in Chelsea in the rain. It's not pouring, but heavy enough that people walk with umbrellas or scurry to escape the rainfall. But I’m just standing there.

I’m in sort of a daze. I’m confused. I don't know what just happened. I’m questioning everything.

I’ve just left a dinner with a well-known casting director. He had asked me to join him to talk about the "potential he sees in me" and "to learn about my goals for my career."

I thought that's all we would talk about. I was wrong. I knew I was wrong the moment he started asking me inappropriate personal questions. I knew I was wrong the moment he put his hand on my knee. I knew I was wrong the moment he tried to kiss me.

Now I’m standing outside in the rain, wondering if a casting director used this meeting to try to date me rather than help me land a job.

I wondered about that for years. Now I want to talk about it.

~~~

It's 2015. I’m 24 years old and an aspiring actress in New York City. I had graduated from a strong college theatre program and felt ready to take on the gauntlet of the professional performing industry in the Big Apple.

At this point, I hadn't had much success beyond being an extra or cast in small theatre festivals. Thankfully, I still live with my family, who support me as I try to "make it."

I’ve been going hard at it for about a year, and the results haven't been great. My confidence is waning. My naïveté gives way to doubt and makes me anxious that I will never progress in my career.

And then I meet "Mitch." Mitch is not his real name, but it's what I’m calling him in this piece.

Mitch is a well-known casting director in New York City. He doesn't work for the larger casting offices, but he casts a lot for off-Broadway shows and theatre festivals.

I met Mitch the day I walked in for an audition for a regional production. Right away, I saw that Mitch was different than other casting folks I had encountered.

He was kind. He didn't seem to have an ego about it. We had a pleasant conversation before I gave my audition, and he asked me thoughtful questions after I was done. I walked out of that audition feeling that even if I didn't get called back, that was a positive experience.

That evening, I received an email from Mitch that I had been called back. When I entered the audition room, Mitch was the same kind and humble person I had encountered before. We again had a great conversation about the character before I started the scene. I didn't leave the callback feeling I had landed the gig but that I would at least be memorable enough.

The next week I got a call from Mitch. He told me that I didn't get the part but that I had given a really strong audition and that he would keep in touch with me. And he kept his word. Over the next month, he would email me upcoming auditions that he thought I would be interested in. We followed each other on Twitter. He offered to connect me with acting coaches and studios where he had strong relationships.

I had seen firsthand when actors have close relationships with casting directors. I had seen the hugs and kisses when seeing each other at Pearl Studios or heard the screams of joy when actors entered a room and saw who was behind the table. I knew what having a "friendship" with a casting director meant for an actor's career.

I began to think that might be something starting to happen with Mitch.

~~~

About a month after I had met Mitch, I got a text from him asking if I’d like to join him for dinner. He told me there was an opportunity he wanted to talk to me about. Seeing this as another opportunity to become better acquainted with a casting professional, I said yes, and we met at a tiny Italian restaurant in Chelsea.

The dinner started great. He told me about an upcoming theatre festival for which he would be casting and that most of the shows and performers get massive exposure that could lead to more opportunities, including Broadway shows.

He told me I had the "versatility and authenticity" that could be featured well in the festival. And then he dropped the best bomb of all.

"I don't even think you need to audition for this; I’ll just let the producer know you’re the right person for this."

When you’re a young, inexperienced, non-successful actor, hearing that coming from a casting director makes your heart leap. I didn't know what to say except "Thank you" and "I’m so excited! to hear about this."

Mitch seemed pleased with my reaction. He smiled and ordered another round of drinks, even though I was having a Diet Coke, and he started to ask me questions about myself.

He asked me about my past, where I grew up, and where I went to school. He asked me about my goals for my career, where I’d like to be a year from now. He talked about his experience and what he looks for in an audition.

As our entrees’ arrived, he started asking me different, more personal questions.

He started asking me about how I juggle auditioning with my personal life, adding that it must be hard to maintain relationships. I told him I was single and that wasn't a problem. He seemed shocked.

"Wait, you’re not seeing anyone? No one in this big city has snatched you up yet?"

"No," I replied, not knowing how to respond to that. "I guess not."

"Their loss," he said as he took another bite of his food.

He returned to asking me questions about other auditions I had done and what I thought worked and didn't. But then he steered the conversation back to my dating life, or lack thereof.

"I’m sorry. Can we go back to the fact that you’re single right now? Someone as attractive and kind as you isn't with anyone?"

I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged. Now I was becoming uncomfortable.

After our dishes were taken away, he asked if I wanted dessert. I politely declined. But he ordered a coffee, and I felt obligated to stay, even though the conversation had gone to subjects I didn't want to discuss. After all, an hour earlier, Mitch told me I wouldn't even have to audition for a part.

Would you rush to get out of there?

As Mitch finished his coffee, he started to talk about the impression I had left after my first audition with him.

"I’m sure this is unprofessional on my part to tell you this, but I have been thinking about that audition constantly." He paused. "I’ve been thinking about you constantly."

He laughed. He patted my knee and got up from the table. I rose quickly and walked hurriedly out the door, into the rain.

Had it not been raining, I may have been able to quickly say thank you and get to the closest subway station on the corner, even though it wasn't the one that would take me home. But the rain caused me to delay, and that was enough time to give Mitch a moment to do what he did next.

"Thank you again for dinner tonight, Mary. Look, this is probably really unprofessional, but I feel like there's a real connection here. I mean, do you know how you make me feel?"

Again, I didn't say anything.

Mitch then moved in to try to kiss me. I backed up immediately and forced the words out of my mouth,

"I’m sorry, Mitch. I don't feel that way. But thank you for dinner."

To my surprise, he didn't seem shocked or even disappointed. He seemed like he knew I was going to react that way. Like this had happened before.

"Oh, don't worry about it. You’re welcome," he said. "We should do this again sometime. And I’ll let you know when I talk to that producer."

Mitch then touched my arm to say goodbye and walked to the corner and down to the subway station I had considered escaping to moments earlier.

And there I stood …in the rain.

After finally beginning my travels home, I replayed the entire dinner and all my interactions with Mitch. Had I led him on? Was it my fault he thought there was some romantic connection?"

Later that night, my confusion led to panic. Did I blow it? Was I not going to get this role because I hadn't let him kiss me?

I didn't sleep that night.

The next morning, I wrote Mitch a brief email to thank him for dinner. I didn't get a reply.

In the following weeks, I emailed Mitch a couple of times to inquire about that festival he had spoken about. Again, no response.

Another week followed, and I hadn't heard anything from Mitch but saw that casting for the festival had been completed, and obviously, I wasn't in it.

I emailed Mitch one more time asking if he had tried to reach out, and I may have missed his call. I also apologized if I had done anything wrong and even went as far as to ask if he wanted to meet for lunch or drinks.

This time Mitch replied.

"I’m sorry for not getting back to you sooner. The producers went in a different direction. Keep in touch. Best wishes."

In the year that followed, I auditioned for Mitch twice more. While he was always the same kind, humble person in the audition room. I never got a callback.

~~~

The year is now 2018. The #metoo movement is in full force, and discussions regarding sexual harassment and misconduct in the entertainment industry are at an all-time high.

I’m at a party with other performers and talking to a group about "shady" people and the experiences we all went through. Some of them are the worst of the worst.

I bring up Mitch.

A young woman shouts across the room, "He did the same thing to me!"

I immediately go up to her, and we start talking. It turns out we had almost an identical experience. She auditioned for Mitch. He seemed interested in her potential and kept in touch with her. After a month, he asked her to dinner. They had almost an identical conversation.

As if that weren't haunting enough. He asked her the same question,

"Do you know how you make me feel?"

He tried to kiss her. She rejected him. He then cut contact with her.

But then she told me something even more disturbing. She knew another woman that Mitch had done the same thing to her.

In the years that followed our last encounter, I hadn't really seen Mitch, nor did I have any contact with him. But I recognized what he was trying to do with me. It made me mad. It also taught me a lot about how to navigate this industry. But now, I was furious. So furious that I wrote Mitch an email and laid into him about what he had done, how it made me feel, and how dare he do the same to other women who were just trying to land gigs.

To my surprise, he replied. But he didn't reply the way I thought he would. Instead of a personal note of apology, I got something that read more like a statement you would give to a journalist with ad-libbed details mixed in.

"Mary, thank you for reaching out to me. I want to apologize for my conduct. It was unprofessional and not at all appropriate. I want you to know that I am taking the time to learn and become a better person. I hope that we will have the chance to work with each other again in the future. Again, I am sorry.

Mitch"

That was it. That's all I got.

Fast forward to 2023. I’ve now met four women who told me they had similar, if not identical, experiences with Mitch. We brought our stories to various publications, but no one seemed interested. After all, Mitch wasn't a big enough name to garner the front page.

While I haven't heard any new stories regarding Mitch, I have heard about things like this happening with other casting professionals, which is why I wanted to tell my story now.

Thankfully, there are now resources we can use to report these things as they happen. Actors’ Equity has a hotline where you can report bullying and harassment. I’ve heard mixed reports of what happens when using that hotline, but at least it's a start.

If you’re going through something like I did, I encourage you to report it. While awareness of these incidents has been heightened, it's still happening. And much worse things are happening than what happened to me.

Navigating this industry is tough enough. No one deserves to be taken advantage of, especially not by people in positions of significant influence and power. I hope my story will help raise enough awareness that we see less of it.

~ Mary